Rosie left York today (warning, long and depressing but I'm posting anyway!)

I've been crying most of the day. She's said so many kind things to me today, and she's been such a rock over the 4 years of Uni that I don't know how I'm going to cope without her being just around the corner. I've just written her this letter, I don't know whether I'm going to send it or not. I'm feeling like crap at the moment, really really bad.

Anyways, the letter:

Dear Rosie,

As I write this I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to send it, it's just the writing of it that I think will be quite therapeutic. I'm feeling pretty low right now. Pretty darned low indeed. Thank you for saying I'm such a top bloke - I'm not feeling it at the moment. You're right I have started drinking a little more, purely out of boredom. I know I'm the only one who can change this situation but I honestly don't know where to start. I'm so alone right now, you were the only person who could understand what goes on in my head. I'm not trying to make you feel sad or anything, you said in your note that I should share so I'm sharing. Jon's got Debbie now, we haven't had a 'proper' conversation in a long while, not like we used to have, he's always just so busy these days. Me and Simon have never really got on, and now he's got Joy who he's more concerned about anyways. You know the situation with your housemates and my 'friends'. I've got no one left who I can talk to about any of the rubbish that's floating about my head. So much is changing right now with Uni ending, my need to get a job, everyone leaving, everyone getting coupled up, I don't know how I'm going to manage. I wish I could rely on my family but I simply can't, they're too busy feuding. None of this is your fault but that's what's been going round my head and that's what's made me drink more. Especially since I was by myself more and more often, what else was there to do? I'm watching myself now though, I haven't had an alcoholic drink all day, despite wanting to, especially as the night wore on. I don't have a problem but I do have the potential to have a drinking problem. Thank you for caring.

Take today for instance. Everyone in 'Graliros' knows you've left, including David and Stez (who visited and who saw me this morning and could SEE I wasn't a happy bunny). They know I don't really have anyone else (I can't count the number of times I've mentioned to Liz and Grace that I've been on my own all day as housemates are too busy) but have I had one text or phone call asking if I'm alright? Nope. I don't know, maybe I'm expecting too much but all I DO know is that if it were me in their position I WOULD send a text asking if everything was ok. As it is I've been bawling my eyes out all afternoon feeling absolutely awful about everything and no-one has asked if I'm ok. Simon disappeared off to Debbie's house quite early on to be with their 'group'. To be fair to him he asked me if I wanted to go, I said I didn't feel up to it and that was that. I was hoping for a text from Jon just asking if I was ok but again, maybe I expected too much. It's possible Simon never mentioned that I was upset and that would explain the lack of text/phone call. It just seems that all my friends, with the exception of you and Paul Nichols, expect me to intiate everything but as you've said, a friend shouldn't need to be told "I'm upset" they should be able to guess and help anyways.

How was your parting by the way? Did you say goodbye to Grace and Liz? I'm guessing that it wasn't a very emotional goodbye? I was good - I didn't cry when I said goodbye to you, I was crying on the way home though, that's why I didn't look round. It got worse when I read your note. But that's a good thing (and I'm laminating that note by the way!)

Stez also made me feel about 5cm tall this morning with his story of bedding Claire. I quote "We really need to get you pulling and shagging Gledhill." I know he was just trying to be funny but it makes me feel that big, you know? It takes no effort for him, he's spent what, 2 or 3 nights in Claire's company and they're in bed together? I just haven't got that outlook on life, that confidence or that knowledge. I don't have a clue. Of course I can't actually talk to David and Stez about this 'cause they just give me 'advice' like "You've got to be mean Gledhill" and "Stop being so nice/boring/quiet…" I swear sometimes they make me feel so insignificant. It must be great for them, not having the shitty background that I've had, the shite few years at Uni (with the exception of the bright spots scattered about - you, Lesley, Dave, Emily, Ian, Kelly, Becky, Liz and Grace (up to a point) and others) and so on. I'm not trying to be a martyr or anything, just trying to explain why I feel such a failure at the moment. And to this end the only people who really helped were you and Matt. Liz helped sometimes but would then make me feel like that at others. My mate Paul helps when I can get in touch with him but he's REALLY busy on his PHD. I used to be able to speak to my brother but somehow we've fallen out of contact and he's fighting with Mum again it's just not worth the effort, I always get placed in the middle and it's such a crap place to be.

Anyways, it'll be a miracle if I survive this next year. What with you gone, all the Liz and Grace pretence at friendship gone, and me living in a house with people who are all gonna be busy being couples I just don't know how I'm going to cope. I'll manage I suppose, I always do somehow.

To finish on a happier note - thank you for being you. I can swear that I would not have made it through this Uni without your support (and Matt's this year). I owe you so much that I'll never be able to repay in any way that's meaningful. All I can say is that whenever you need ANYTHING just let me know, I'll always be around.

Right, I may as well get to bed now. Cheerio for now.

Chris