I'll start with the funny passed on to me by a relative:
For women to better understand men
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or
football I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't
forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering
around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better
understand the Male.
On a different note, how fantastic and bloody brilliant is this e-mail I just got from my friend David?
"You're a fan of Opera, aren't you? By which I mean the browser, not the music! Did you know that Opera have recently celebrated their 10th Anniversary? Hmm, neither did I, but as a special birthday treat, they were giving away FREE registration codes! Gratis! No cost! All you had to do was visit their online party, whack in your e-mail address, and up popped a brand new code, which removes all trace of nasty adverts, and leaves you with a nice clean, official legally-registered browser!
Now, being the web-savvy chappy that you are, I'm sure you already have a "registered" copy of Opera, and are already enjoying said benefits. Well, just in case you are not, or just in case you want an official legally-registered version, then I requested a set of codes on your behalf. And here they are..."
WHOOOOT *bounces* . I mean, I didn't notice the adverts in Opera much any more but still, it's nice to have to the 2cm worth of screen space back. So I now have a fully licensed and legal version of Opera 8.02. I love the internet and my friends.
*Is super happy*.