February 04, 2006

Life and humour

Life's going ok right now. More on my MSN Space or LJ. However, I can entertain you a little if you should all wish. I've decided I'm going to have a lazy Saturday morning so here I am going through my inbox. You know what that means, tacky jokes! Here they are:

"An apprentice zoo keeper was asked to look after the bees. One morning he went to check them and found them all dead. On telling the head keeper about this, he was told not to worry but to mash up the dead bees and feed them to the fish. He did as he was told but the next day he found all the fish dead. Once again he was told not to worry but to feed the fish to the chimpanzees. Once again he did as he was bid but the next morning all of them were dead too. The head keeper then told him to cut up the monkeys and feed them to the lions. As he approached the lions enclosure, with his barrow load of cut up chimps, the chief of the lions looked up lazily and roared (wait for it)...

'Oh no, not fish, chimps and mushy bees again'."

Oh dear, that was bad, how about joke number two:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

  1. Sip the vodka, dont gulp.

  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

  10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me .

  12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry,.

  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peters not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.